Overcoming Hostile Attitudes in Others

The Bible is an amazing book with powerful and effective answers to man’s dilemmas. However, for many of us, it is a treasure that has scarcely been explored. One of the most profound treasures it contains is its teachings on human relationships. The New Testament and the book of Proverbs in particular, address the realm of human relationships as much or more than any other subject—with a wealth of teaching, admonitions and cautions. They very effectively delineate principles designed to overcome adverse relationships.

When we are faced with the hostilities of people there seems to be only two answers in the equation: fight or flight. It always bothers me when people try to box me in by offering only two viewpoints to a question and while asserting that I must choose one of them and risk the consequences of that choice. There is usually a third and frequently overlooked alternative that offers much better solutions to the seeming paradox.
Granted, there are times we should flee. In fact, the scripture defines occasions when we should. For example, there are some people or situations we should simply avoid. We can find ourselves in many situations (such as marriage or employment), however, where we can’t flee and where we refuse to fight. How can we at least survive and, at best, achieve good and effective relationships with those who are hostile without compromising faith and Godliness?

The only middle ground seems to be passivity wherein we face the worst of the best and the best of the worst with the least amount of reaction hoping that time and other factors will change them or the situation. We can be overcomers, however, without compromising on the one hand or becoming oppressors on the other.

A few years ago, I counseled with a woman who suffered from many dysfunctional areas of her life and resultantly had many conflicts with her husband who also had many areas of conflict in his life. Determined to make her marriage work, she came to me. I assured her that the greatest good we could do for her husband would be to help her experience some life changing experiences. God met her in a wonderful way, so much so that she assured me she could fly home without the help of an airplane. I had a seminar planned in the city where they lived. I was to stay in their home. Her husband, whom I had not met, insisted on meeting me at the airport himself. As I deboarded the plane I immediately recognized him although I had never seen him before. Driving home, he said to me: “I’m not sure I know what has happened to my wife. She is different.” It wasn’t long until he accepted Christ in his life!

The solution, always, is to move (not manipulate) men through the employment of Godly principles. Paul offered a foundational principle for every situation and relationship when he said: “Be not overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21). Paul is saying that even in seemingly overpowering situations we can overcome. Some principles which might be observed are:

1. Don’t become a slave to an offensive person or situation by becoming angry or otherwise distraught (2 Peter 2:19b). When you do, you put them in charge of your attitude.
2. Don’t resort to retaliatory and reactive types of behavior or attitudes in response to hurtful things which are said or done. That will produce a correspondingly hurtful reaction and the exchange will escalate with no one being the winner.
3. Stop viewing the hostile person as an enemy but rather as a companion jointly fighting a mutually hurtful condition—his hostile attitude.
4. Begin to fight aggressively in the realm of the Spirit to achieve a victorious resolution of the hostilities. The scripture, in Matthew 5:43-44 gives four powerful weapons in this battle:

• Love him. We should remember that love is an action and an attitude more than it is an emotion. It is very difficult to be continuously offensive to a person who is determined to love you.
• Do good things for him. This is not to reward his officiousness but achieves two things: it empowers your love and disarms his hostility. The things we do should be the kind of things that meet a need he has. What we do should be unexpected, undeserved, and unsolicited.
• Speak well of him. It is far easier to complain than it is to take a positive and powerful tack against his problem. There is tremendous and effective power in speech. People tend to become what we declare them to be. If we speak negative and defeating words about our offenders, we will produce negative and defeating results. If we start declaring the person to be what we would like for him to be, he will eventually become that person.
• Pray for him. Usually our prayers regarding others are self-oriented, seeking to make our oppressor better for our best good. We should pray for him redemptively, concerned only about his welfare, seeking to help him overcome such negative personality characteristics for his benefit.

If we genuinely and consistently apply these principles there will be a difference—in him and in you! God will bless your faithful perseverance.

Jeff