Loyalty

Norma and I have both, individually and corporately, determined from the beginning of our marriage that we will never share details of our lives with others that could be hurtful or demeaning to the marriage and to each other. We have never sought counsel regarding the conflicts that we have had, believing that the best solution when these have occurred was to communicate with each other and to pray for one another, thus working through our problems.

A basic disloyalty causes a person to discuss with others things that could damage the esteem with which others hold the people that are important in one’s life. It causes a person not to show respect for intimacy and confidentiality.

Incorporated in every institution are the seeds of self-destruction. When that institution, whether it is the home, church or any other social structure, begins to unravel, it is almost inevitably caused by members of it who have hidden agendas. Those agendas are undisclosed expectations of what the members or participants want in exchange for their involvement. When they don’t realize their expectations, they turn on those whom they feel are responsible, which usually means each other.

Loyalty in a legitimate relationship supercedes what is right or wrong with that relationship and people’s involvement with one another. When people are loyal to each other they will always find a way to resolve issues. When they are disloyal and expose to others one another’s frailty, it is like opening a feather pillow and exposing its contents to the wind. There can never be a successful human resolution of the damage done.

Problem solving and conflict resolution in any institution require Godly and wise communication. Accusations and condemnation resolve nothing. On the contrary, they further entrench feelings of resentment and bitterness. To resolve issues, the people involved must determine to work together against the problem rather than to use the problem as a weapon of dissatisfaction against each other.

The first order of business is to agree that regardless of what it takes, all the parties involved are completely and unconditionally committed to finding a resolution and that nothing will be permitted to hinder its process.

Second, there must be an understanding not only of the apparent conflicts in the relationship, but an exploration and defining of underlying factors that have caused them. The apparent problems are rarely the real problems. Wise people will look past the obvious and will thoughtfully, carefully, and lovingly address the underlying issues, teaming up with each other against these issues.

Thirdly, there must be an abandonment of the “good guy/bad guy” approach. In most conflicts, one likes to think of himself as being the victim with the other being the oppressor. It is rarely that clearly defined. In most cases, the issues are clouded with accusations and counter-accusations. All of these must be discarded in favor of a team effort, accountability, and personal/corporate acceptance of all responsibility for failure.

Fourth, there must be a renewal of vows and commitment to one another. Instead of looking at immediate failures and frailty, there must be a looking ahead at goals and aspirations for that institution. When these are defined and committed to, those involved will always find a way to resolve linger conflicts.

Finally, but foremost, the participants must look to Christ for guidance and wisdom. To attempt to work through the thorny issues of human conflicts without Christ is to predestine failure. Only Christ can give the desire for reconciliation and enable it to take place. Loyalty to Christ produces loyalty to one another.

Jeff

• Jefferson H. and Norma R. Floyd, CO-directors • Jubilee International • P. O. Box 572 • Noblesville, IN 46061