It is a very difficult thing to get involved in other people’s lives. Although it is easier to see what many of the problems are when looking in from the outside, one doesn’t know or understand many of the nuances of personal living that goes on day by day. It makes it difficult, therefore, to try to offer healing and counsel.
For many years, in my marriage counseling, I have limited my counsel to fundamental scriptural principles that apply universally to every family wherever they might be and regardless of the difficulty of circumstances. With such a method, the people involved must see on their own what their problems are and address them based on those principles.
Because of the constancy and ongoing close contacts we have in marriage we tend to see, experience, and react to the flaws and dysfunctional characteristics that are inevitably present in our spouses and permit them to become irritating and frustrating to us. We find it easier to react to the inconsistencies of daily living that we see in our spouses than we would to outside people. Additionally, we tend to bring our frustrations that build up in us at work, in community contacts, etc. home with us and take those frustrations out on each other in what I call the “kick the dog” syndrome.
If one wants to have a happy and fulfilled relationship, he/she must heed and obey several Biblical injunctions.
There is no substitute for the happiness that can be experienced as we release our claimed rights to Jesus Christ as Lord in the marriage relationship. To the extent that we claim our rights will be the extent that the marriage will be a failure. Jesus said, “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it” (Matthew 16:24-25). The appeal to one’s rights is one of the greatest destroyers that any marriage can go through. To release our rights can only be done as we focus on Jesus as Lord and trust Him with the circumstances of our relationships.
There is a God given mutual respect and relationship that must be observed in the relationship on all occasions and in every situation. Paul succinctly defined it when he commanded that we “Submit yourselves one to another in the fear of God” (Ephesians 5:21). To submit to one another is to realize that we are a part of each other and must function as a whole rather than as a distinct part. What is done to one or by one will inevitably affect the other. This means that we use caution and care in every word, attitude, and action—always giving consideration to the needs and feelings of the other.
There must be a balance and respect for one another in the observations of Biblically admonished relationships. There are many relationships that are not made clear. For example, the Bible has little to say about who should earn the living in the family. In fact, Proverbs 31 seems to indicate that being the breadwinner of the family is the responsibility of the wife.
What IS emphasized is the question of authority in the marriage. Bearing in mind that we are to first of all submit one to another, the Bible determines the “role relationship” between husband and wife based on the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual makeup of each. The husband is to have authority over the home. “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing” (Ephesians 5:22-24).
There is a difference, however, between God-given authority and autocratic domination. Peter defined the reason why the leadership of the husband should be marked by meekness, gentleness, and love when he said: “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered” (1 Peter 3:7).
The husband is the spiritual head of the home, meaning that he is to give spiritual leadership through teaching and example. Anything short of that will cause him to either relinquish his responsibilities or to be overly dominating. Either will produce damage to the wife and the marriage.
When there is a proper balance in the home, the children will be nourished by the instruction of the father and the law (life style) that they observe in the mother. “My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother” (Proverbs 1:8). When there is a breakdown in the responsibilities given either, the children will suffer.
The wife is to submit to the husband as unto the Lord. “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22). To fail to do that is to get out from under the umbrella of the protection that God gives through the husband. “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God” (1 Corinthians 11:3). There is a reason for this relationship. Paul gives it later in the chapter: “For this cause ought the woman to have power on her head because of the angels” (1 Corinthians 11:10). For the wife to live in submission to her husband is to live under the protection from the enemy that the husband provides. For the woman to live in rebellion against her husband is to give ground to the enemy. As the scripture indicates, “For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry” (1 Samuel 15:23).
The reason the wife can cheerfully submit herself to her husband is the unconditional and uncompromising love he shows her: “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church” (Ephesians 5:25-29).
Even when a husband does not exemplify the spirituality admonished by the scripture, the wife should still live lovingly and cheerfully under the covering he gives, knowing that she is doing that as an act of obedience to the Lord. “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives” (1 Peter 3:1).
A very powerful Biblical principle that should be employed in a marriage is that each spouse should treat the other as if he/she is ALREADY everything he/she ever wanted him/her to be.
This is so for two reasons:
- To do so is to have that relationship dominated by faith. Jesus said: “Mark 11:24 “Therefore I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they shall be granted you” (Mark 11:24 – NASB).
- This can only be accomplished by unconditional love. One should be reminded that love is not first of all a feeling, it is a choice of attitude and actions. Love is how we treat others. “My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth” (1 John 3:18). When one loves, that love will overpower all other attitudes and conditions: “Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love makes up for many of your faults” (1 Peter 4:8 – Living Bible).
A marriage must be worked at to make it work. What if only one of the spouses is willing to work at it? My wife often says that it takes two to have a wedding but only one to make a marriage work. To have a successful marriage is a choice that must be made and a covenant that is entered into. Our Lord Who sees and cares will ultimately reward faithfulness on the part of one.
At the very foundation of it all is Paul’s admonition: “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:31-32).
May God bless each of you as you reach forward to the kind of relationship that God wants you to have.
Jeff